Journal Of Nothing

It was not until I actually succeeded in my mission of finding my friends shiny people to date, that I realised there was a flaw to my cunning plans. Now I always feel as though I am awkward and in the way. I find myself creating reasons why I can't socialise, when I know they do actually want to spend time with me.

It's not that I want to be dating someone. The world is much simpler when I'm single and I'm not sure I would have the time or energy. It's also not that I need these friends. I'd just gotten into a habit of having them near me, and now I am pushing them away from me and towards the people they either are, or nearly are, dating.

Frankly I fail.

Eh, yesterday turned out to be random overdose day and I don't even know why! Nor did I actually know it WAS random overdose day until I got home that evening and grew suspicious of quite how ill I felt.

My liver hates me with a murderous passion.

I keep having dreams that I'm in my school uniform and in a huge ramshackling hotel where every teacher I've ever had is staying and they're all mean to me, and then the brakes fail on my car. I cycle round the brakes failing bit several times.

I sense I may...be...trying to...tell myself something!

I wanna be the very best like noone ever was!

Last night, once Ed had gone through some things with me (the lecture on these things had terrified me and left me feeling very very stupid) and I'd just stared at the paper and cried a tiny bit, I suddenly understood! I did half of my homework reasonably quickly and DIDN'T feel like the world was going to end at any point!

Imma awesome sauce hot damn wicked pudding!

(As we can see I am quite overexcited about this)

Things are settling down somewhat.

( Cut For Boring Bits )

I'm making friends at uni and still loving Edinburgh. I'm swimming twice a week which is turning out to be a pretty enjoyable thing. I seem to be eating the same meal again and again and again atm, so must go food shopping. Mainly because I've now run out of pasta!

I totally give up! My week DID get worse! It's only Monday! However I did buy someone something sparkly, which will also probably backfire. Oh I just...ARGH!

My giraffe, I need it back. Reaching a critical level of need here. Telephone calls will begin if it doesn't come back very very soon.

This is going to be a huge long rant of rantiness about the problems of education and sections of society, so let's put a cut...

( Here )

I can't really express how disappointed I was with the university aikido club. The teaching was poor, the aikido was sloppy, and they do those weird teddy bear rolls with big slapping of the mat, instead of the neat fluffy rolls I learnt. I can see how their aikido stemmed from mine, but it's definitely not the traditional stuff I was taught, and not for me. This is very upsetting because aikido was something that I was finding really worked in keeping my brain in check. I'm going to go swimming instead but it's never going to have the same effect.

I have a bike. It's a very crap bike but it's a bike. It has informed me that I am very unfit. I ache all over, including in that web bit between the thumb and forefinger.

I don't understand any of my lectures apart from German! This is a fun and exciting development. I can safely say that my first foray into programming Haskell (from the book admittedly) failed in a most "error: undefined value" way. One of my maths lecturers is Russian and used the immortal phrase "numbers used for numbering" yesterday.

On the plus side I've met a few nice people, have yet to kill myself with the grill pan, am loving the city, and the one chilli plant I kept is still giving out pixie chillis.

Yeah so I'm going to see someone during the week in the middle of October. Don't judge me! I promise before everyone that I will read the notes and watch the lecture video if/when it appears.

I don't know why that has come out so small. The pinks are maths. The blue is Functional Programming. The red is Computation and Logic. The green is German. Look at all that sodding German!!!! I wish that everything was in the morning OR the afternoon, not straddling midday in such a funky manner. I won't achieve anything with the rest of the day that way.

I need to get my bike up here.

Aikido is stupidly expensive.

I also can't afford to miss a single lecture of subjects I either have no experience of, or find difficult, or am supposed to get to a degree level within the year (yeah...German...yeah!). This means that no I can't come and see people in the week. Please, don't upset me by asking me to come down in the week.

However my rail card did arrive today, which is a plus.

Oh also mum and lodger moved out today. I'm steeling myself for telephoning dad later.

Pictures of my flat are now available here.

I've sold my car. I've successfully made important people in Coventry almost glad to see me leave. I've got rid of all of my books excepting maybe 50. I've got rid of my desktop computer. I've given my playstation away. I've thrown maybe 4 binliners of stuff away and given 6 to charity.

Our home fridge is full of ready meals. In fact the house itself is just full of misery.

I can't wait to leave on Saturday morning.

Very unhappy bunny. People are not helping. People can go fuck themselves kthnxbai!

"Both mummy and daddy love you very much and you'll always be welcome with either of us"

Well...actually...no I won't because mum will never have space for me and dad would treat me like his skivvy, so either way I don't seem to be on to a winner. To this end I'm giving away/charity shopping/boxing up all of my books and hurtling through my room throwing things away or boxing them.

I am in such a bad mood.

Later edit: Thanks to ailynne, adishem, and Emma for taking loads of books off my hands. They truly are ones that I can't bear to part with and have been boxed according to what I think you might enjoy borrowing...except for adishem, you just get what you're given! More thanks to ailynne for taking my saxaphones and giving them a good home, as well as my PS2 which is jealous of the wii for being able to come with me but lacks a viewing method. Thanks to Vicki for offering to help me with packing. Thanks to mikigarrison for being generally lovely.

I think I am now actually in a position to be entirely moved out (as long as my uni room isn't the size of a shoe box!)

My parents are actually finally getting divorced. Hohum.

So apart from my complicated and embarrassing social life, there are a few other issues.

Remember my favourite aunt? Well as a result of the return of the brain cancer she's already been off work a month due to stress. I really don't know how she's going to get through this again. On top of this my uncle Peter has had to give up his wine shop, leaving them obviously wildly short of money. It's not just this though, it's the fact that he has been directionless for much of his life, greatly encouraged by his epilepsy, and then he finally found something he loved enough to work at it - wine. He had a shop selling organic and biodynamic wines; I bought a good few and they were lovely. It's such a shame to see him thrown back again now.

One of our family friends, Matthew, has advanced cirrhosis. I knew he was a raging alcoholic, though interestingly my parents didn't. I last saw him 2 years ago on my birthday and I could tell there was something amiss and that he was going to be amazingly unwell even then. Now he has maybe 6 months to live and it's difficult. His wife is madly angry with him for the years of scouring the house searching for bottles; even when he was diagnosed he kept drinking. It's easy enough to look from outside and say "well yes but they do say alcoholism is an illness", but dealing with it daily is just exhausting. I think she would leave him if not for the worry of who would look after him.

Having struggled massively with my own alcoholism and painkiller addictions, I sympathise mainly with his wife. These events have sort of put things into a different light for me. I've been fine for years but it never stops being a struggle, and certainly one I have no intention of giving up now.

So...you know those times when you're a bit drunk but not drunk enough for everyone to actually discount things that you're saying? And you go all "But I love you and I always did and ruhruhruhruh"...can you slide that under the carpet even though everyone knows you were telling the truth?

And by everyone, of course I really just mean the recipient of said "ruhruhruh".

I'm kinda guessing not.

So...

A WHILE ago I applied for a new student account online. I sent off my papers proving I am a student and happily waited. I received a letter, along with my papers, saying it was all fine and that I would hear from them in a week. Four weeks later when I got back from Germany, I found nothing had been sent from the bank so I phoned them. "Oh, didn't you receive a letter? You didn't include all of the paperwork so we sent a letter asking you to send it back". Well no letter had been received by me!

So I went to my local branch to finally finish setting up the account as I really needed it to confirm my university accomodation etc etc. It had just been finalised when I noticed my home branch was now Coventry, which was completely not where I had asked for it to be in the original application. I was told that I would have to close this account and open a new one in order to change my home branch.

I did this, and was told that the account would be set up within the week and that it would all be taken care of. Two weeks later and I have called the bank to find out why everything is so silent. The old account still hasn't been closed and although the paperwork for the new account was sent to the new home branch by internal mail, the home branch is swearing up and down that it hasn't been received.

Well that's not very good is it, I say. No it's not, I'm not sure what has occured here, says home branch. You'd better find out hadn't you? says I, for I already hold three accounts with your banking group and do not feel like a loved customer. I have heard that Barclays are being very friendly currently and perhaps I ought to take all of my things to them?

All in all I'm VERY cheesed off as I now have to pay a £250 deposit from gods know where for my accomodation and I have to do it today. So it's coming out of my current account, leaving me with....£1.24.

My feelings, I can not express them.

So many entries this week! What can be wrong with me!?

HOWEVER MUST SAY...

Return to Oz still scares the fuck out of me! Fucking loony bin! Fucking wheelers!

wOOt!!!!

AAA HELL YES!!!!!!!!!